SEPARATION REQUIRES A DIFFERENT DANCE

It is not uncommon for clients to relay certain "threats" that their spouse has made.  In my experience, there is a list of predictable "threats" spouses make to one another.  My clients, under the stress of the situation and with a limited understanding of the divorce process, can take the threats literally even though there is no basis for the threat.  Most times, the threats are made from fear, a need to control, or to try to push the other's buttons.  The unfortunate result is that the client experiences anxiety, calls their attorney who assures the client there is no need to worry, and unnecessary fees are incurred.  

I first came across the idea of a "threat list" while at a seminar, and since then began taking notes on the recurring threats that I heard.  The author of the original threat list is Barbara DiFranza, Esq. CFLS.  Her idea was to present a list of common "threats" so that clients will know that they are not the first one to hear these threats, and thus educating and empowering clients to deal with the threats effectively and without unnecessary attorney fees.

Having said that, on rare occasions a threat will turn out to be real. Thus, while it is easy to say that they are common, whether to give them any weight depends upon the actual circumstances of your case.  Furthermore, and vitally important, any threat to your health or safety, or the health or safety of your children should not be ignored.  If a threat of physical violence has been made you need to contact the appropriate authorities and your attorney.  

Some of the most common threats as provided originally by Barbara DiFranza and expanded on by Attorneys Briefcase:

"1.             “When I tell them __[X]___, you’ll never get the kids."  

X is usually something innocuous, an event that happened many years ago, or something you are ashamed of.  The court takes recent convictions of domestic violence, drug offences, and documented substance abuse very seriously because the Court must take into consideration the children's best interests.

2.             “You’ll never see the children again.”

Similar to threat #1.  This situation is extremely rare.  However, spouses love to use it to rattle the other.

3.             “I’ll take the children and move out of state.” 

This will require formal orders.  This is a very complicated and expensive area of law known as "move away orders" and they usually require a costly and lengthy custody evaluation.  

4.             “If you ask for a share of my property [or support, or whatever], I’ll  take the children away from you.” 

Again, similar to #s 1-3.  It just isn't that simple.

5.             “You’ll end up in the street with nothing.”

Remember, the law requires equal property division and child and spousal support where applicable.

6.             “You’ll never get any of my pension.”

If the community has an interest, you will get your community share.

7.             “I’ll hide all of the money and you won’t get a nickel.” 

It is extremely hard to hide money and/or assets given the broad right to discovery and stringent spousal fiduciary duty laws.  What's more, if an asset is purposefully hidden and not disclosed but subsequently discovered, you could receive the entire asset.  The greatest example of this is when a wife purposefully hid the fact that she had won the lottery using community property.  In the end, Husband received the entire lottery winnings.

8.             “I’ll start a new family and they will be my priority.” 

Maybe, but that has no legal effect and is only meant to be hurtful.

9.             “I’m kicking you out of MY house.” 

Until there is an order for exclusive use and possession, it is both of yours.

10.             “I’ve got someone new and s/he is better/younger/prettier than you.”

Maybe, but that has no legal effect and is only meant to be hurtful.

11.           “Your attorney is incompetent and is taking you to the cleaners.”

This is clearly an attempt to get you to question your attorney, which only helps your spouse.

12.           “Unless you do things my way, you won’t get a dime.”

Again, the spousal support and child support laws are pretty clear that doing things his or her way doesn't affect the support amount.

13.           “I’ll quit my job before I pay you a dime.” 

Quitting employment for purposes of evading support results in serious consequences.  Besides, the court can impute wages to a spouse who quits their job.

14.           “When the judge sees my expenses, you’ll get less (or I’ll get more) support than the guideline amount.”

Expenses can factor into spousal support, but not child support (there are exceptions).  

15.           “I’ll consider reconciling with you if you sign this agreement.”

This is just a ploy for your spouse to maintain control.  Be weary of these types of offers.

The threats included generally have one thing in common.  The threats are being made out of fear of losing control.  During courtship and marriage you and your spouse do a dance - when one moves left the other moves along, and so forth.  As soon as one person makes a different move, it throws the dance all out of rhythm.  Many times, that is what it takes to completely separate from your spouse.