LIFE DOESN'T STOP FOR ANYTHING, NOT EVEN DIVORCE

I recently had a previous client contact me and his story was so compelling that I thought I should share it because it truly illustrates that there is life after divorce, and sometimes it can be good.

Divorce is never easy.  In fact, next to death or serious illness I cannot think of an event that is worse.  The pain, anger, remorse, self doubt, and other feelings that accompany divorce generally don't start when one party files for divorce.  Usually, the problems that lead to divorce have plagued the couple for some appreciable time, maybe many years.  The divorce process just highlights all those problems, and some people decide to use that time to vent or otherwise relieve themselves from their pain by disparaging the other person.  Even in the most amicable divorces, the decisions that parties make have significant long-lasting effects on the things they care most about - children, property, and money.

To complicate matters, most people just cannot stop their lives and deal with the paperwork and emotions that accompany divorce.  They still must go to work, make dinner, go shopping, pick up the kids, wash and fold laundry -- life continues to move on.  Although all of the responsibility takes its toll and can be overwhelming, it is also a great reminder that life does not stop for anything, not even divorce.  And that is a good thing.

Believe it or not, the fact that life forces you to continually move forward is a blessing in disguise.  I am sure we all know someone that get way too caught up in drama, either their own or someone's else.  In divorce, those people spend all of their energy, and their money, feeding off the drama - they cannot allow life to move on like it needs.  In their mind, it is a way to hold on to the relationship even if it is extremely unhealthy for them.  People like this have a tendency to suck others into their pain.  In divorce, it likely is the other spouse.

When I recognize this dynamic in a case, I make sure my client stops to recognize that life continues to move forward.  Sure, it is different, and different is scary.  But one way or another it moves on, and so should they.  I encourage them to continue to practice their hobbies, have fun, have a girls or guys night out; unwind and don't let the divorce take over your life because you need something left after it is all over.  The divorce will end and life will be ready to take you along on the next part of your journey.  You should be ready when that time comes.

So my client calls me up to ask a question and I inquire into how he is doing.  His divorce was ugly.  The attorney fees likely added up to more than the estate they divided.  My client had his heart broken by his wife, and all she did was blame him for all their problems.  She also blamed husband for the problems their child was having in school (failing).  After the settlement had been reached and the Judgment submitted, wife moved away and has only seen the children a few times.  My client lost his house to foreclosure and had to move across town.  His income took a significant hit due to the economy and he had to sell his favorite hobby in order to pay wife an equalizing payment.    

When I asked how he and children were doing, he started to get very excited.  The child that was failing is now an A student working on a full ride athletic scholarship to a UC.  The other child is thriving as well.  As far as my client, he's been able to patch together enough work to provide for him and the children.  Although his greatest joy is how great his children are doing.  That is what makes him smile.

You see, for so long he had dealt with all the pain, hurtful allegations, and uncertainty about the future.  Once that future began to reveal itself, he realized just how far down the divorce had dragged him down.  It makes me wonder, is happiness relative to our nearest past experience?  If divorce drags you down into a hole, there is only one way to go -- up.  So make the best of it.  There is life after divorce, at it can be oh so sweet.  

SEPARATION REQUIRES A DIFFERENT DANCE

It is not uncommon for clients to relay certain "threats" that their spouse has made.  In my experience, there is a list of predictable "threats" spouses make to one another.  My clients, under the stress of the situation and with a limited understanding of the divorce process, can take the threats literally even though there is no basis for the threat.  Most times, the threats are made from fear, a need to control, or to try to push the other's buttons.  The unfortunate result is that the client experiences anxiety, calls their attorney who assures the client there is no need to worry, and unnecessary fees are incurred.  

I first came across the idea of a "threat list" while at a seminar, and since then began taking notes on the recurring threats that I heard.  The author of the original threat list is Barbara DiFranza, Esq. CFLS.  Her idea was to present a list of common "threats" so that clients will know that they are not the first one to hear these threats, and thus educating and empowering clients to deal with the threats effectively and without unnecessary attorney fees.

Having said that, on rare occasions a threat will turn out to be real. Thus, while it is easy to say that they are common, whether to give them any weight depends upon the actual circumstances of your case.  Furthermore, and vitally important, any threat to your health or safety, or the health or safety of your children should not be ignored.  If a threat of physical violence has been made you need to contact the appropriate authorities and your attorney.  

Some of the most common threats as provided originally by Barbara DiFranza and expanded on by Attorneys Briefcase:

"1.             “When I tell them __[X]___, you’ll never get the kids."  

X is usually something innocuous, an event that happened many years ago, or something you are ashamed of.  The court takes recent convictions of domestic violence, drug offences, and documented substance abuse very seriously because the Court must take into consideration the children's best interests.

2.             “You’ll never see the children again.”

Similar to threat #1.  This situation is extremely rare.  However, spouses love to use it to rattle the other.

3.             “I’ll take the children and move out of state.” 

This will require formal orders.  This is a very complicated and expensive area of law known as "move away orders" and they usually require a costly and lengthy custody evaluation.  

4.             “If you ask for a share of my property [or support, or whatever], I’ll  take the children away from you.” 

Again, similar to #s 1-3.  It just isn't that simple.

5.             “You’ll end up in the street with nothing.”

Remember, the law requires equal property division and child and spousal support where applicable.

6.             “You’ll never get any of my pension.”

If the community has an interest, you will get your community share.

7.             “I’ll hide all of the money and you won’t get a nickel.” 

It is extremely hard to hide money and/or assets given the broad right to discovery and stringent spousal fiduciary duty laws.  What's more, if an asset is purposefully hidden and not disclosed but subsequently discovered, you could receive the entire asset.  The greatest example of this is when a wife purposefully hid the fact that she had won the lottery using community property.  In the end, Husband received the entire lottery winnings.

8.             “I’ll start a new family and they will be my priority.” 

Maybe, but that has no legal effect and is only meant to be hurtful.

9.             “I’m kicking you out of MY house.” 

Until there is an order for exclusive use and possession, it is both of yours.

10.             “I’ve got someone new and s/he is better/younger/prettier than you.”

Maybe, but that has no legal effect and is only meant to be hurtful.

11.           “Your attorney is incompetent and is taking you to the cleaners.”

This is clearly an attempt to get you to question your attorney, which only helps your spouse.

12.           “Unless you do things my way, you won’t get a dime.”

Again, the spousal support and child support laws are pretty clear that doing things his or her way doesn't affect the support amount.

13.           “I’ll quit my job before I pay you a dime.” 

Quitting employment for purposes of evading support results in serious consequences.  Besides, the court can impute wages to a spouse who quits their job.

14.           “When the judge sees my expenses, you’ll get less (or I’ll get more) support than the guideline amount.”

Expenses can factor into spousal support, but not child support (there are exceptions).  

15.           “I’ll consider reconciling with you if you sign this agreement.”

This is just a ploy for your spouse to maintain control.  Be weary of these types of offers.

The threats included generally have one thing in common.  The threats are being made out of fear of losing control.  During courtship and marriage you and your spouse do a dance - when one moves left the other moves along, and so forth.  As soon as one person makes a different move, it throws the dance all out of rhythm.  Many times, that is what it takes to completely separate from your spouse.