I recently had a previous client contact me and his story was so compelling that I thought I should share it because it truly illustrates that there is life after divorce, and sometimes it can be good.
Divorce is never easy. In fact, next to death or serious illness I cannot think of an event that is worse. The pain, anger, remorse, self doubt, and other feelings that accompany divorce generally don't start when one party files for divorce. Usually, the problems that lead to divorce have plagued the couple for some appreciable time, maybe many years. The divorce process just highlights all those problems, and some people decide to use that time to vent or otherwise relieve themselves from their pain by disparaging the other person. Even in the most amicable divorces, the decisions that parties make have significant long-lasting effects on the things they care most about - children, property, and money.
To complicate matters, most people just cannot stop their lives and deal with the paperwork and emotions that accompany divorce. They still must go to work, make dinner, go shopping, pick up the kids, wash and fold laundry -- life continues to move on. Although all of the responsibility takes its toll and can be overwhelming, it is also a great reminder that life does not stop for anything, not even divorce. And that is a good thing.
Believe it or not, the fact that life forces you to continually move forward is a blessing in disguise. I am sure we all know someone that get way too caught up in drama, either their own or someone's else. In divorce, those people spend all of their energy, and their money, feeding off the drama - they cannot allow life to move on like it needs. In their mind, it is a way to hold on to the relationship even if it is extremely unhealthy for them. People like this have a tendency to suck others into their pain. In divorce, it likely is the other spouse.
When I recognize this dynamic in a case, I make sure my client stops to recognize that life continues to move forward. Sure, it is different, and different is scary. But one way or another it moves on, and so should they. I encourage them to continue to practice their hobbies, have fun, have a girls or guys night out; unwind and don't let the divorce take over your life because you need something left after it is all over. The divorce will end and life will be ready to take you along on the next part of your journey. You should be ready when that time comes.
So my client calls me up to ask a question and I inquire into how he is doing. His divorce was ugly. The attorney fees likely added up to more than the estate they divided. My client had his heart broken by his wife, and all she did was blame him for all their problems. She also blamed husband for the problems their child was having in school (failing). After the settlement had been reached and the Judgment submitted, wife moved away and has only seen the children a few times. My client lost his house to foreclosure and had to move across town. His income took a significant hit due to the economy and he had to sell his favorite hobby in order to pay wife an equalizing payment.
When I asked how he and children were doing, he started to get very excited. The child that was failing is now an A student working on a full ride athletic scholarship to a UC. The other child is thriving as well. As far as my client, he's been able to patch together enough work to provide for him and the children. Although his greatest joy is how great his children are doing. That is what makes him smile.
You see, for so long he had dealt with all the pain, hurtful allegations, and uncertainty about the future. Once that future began to reveal itself, he realized just how far down the divorce had dragged him down. It makes me wonder, is happiness relative to our nearest past experience? If divorce drags you down into a hole, there is only one way to go -- up. So make the best of it. There is life after divorce, at it can be oh so sweet.
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